


Cupcakes and Simmons

by MnyehLike (SilverDreemurr)



Series: Cursed RvB Food Fiction [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Baking, Dessert & Sweets, Food, Food Sex, Other, remember wash's pumpkin? and grif's poptart box?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:35:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverDreemurr/pseuds/MnyehLike
Summary: It's the sequel! Simmons gets back at Grif!
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons, Dick Simmons/Agent Washington(onesided offhand mention), Dick Simmons/Cupcake
Series: Cursed RvB Food Fiction [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1734709
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Cupcakes and Simmons

Simmons paced in the kitchen. He sighed softly, looked at the place where Grif sat a couple of days ago, and then looked away, wrinkling his nose. He hated that he remembered what he had stumbled onto around midnight. He hated that he remembered exactly what Grif’s face looked like as he- wait, no, stop. He had to keep himself from gagging at the thought. He couldn’t believe Grif would...do such a thing.

He drummed his human fingers against the counter as he thought of how to get back at him. Not only were those his Zebra Cakes that he shoved in his mouth to muffle his moans, but the pop tarts he used were also Simmons’ favourite that he ordered himself. He grumbled quietly and tapped his foot, then looked to his left. The cabinet was open...Grif must have forgotten to close it while grabbing another snack. There was...Grif’s Oreos. A cruel smirk passed over his face as he got an idea.

He went into the cabinets and got out the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder and soda, salt, brown and granulated sugars, vegetable oil, buttermilk, an egg, vanilla extract, water, and last but not least the espresso powder. He was gonna be eating these himself, he wanted them to taste good, okay? He preheated the oven to 350°F, then got out two muffin tins and put paper liners in them. He wasn’t a beta cuck when it came to baking.

He then sifted together 125 grams of the flour, 30 grams of the cocoa powder, ¾ teaspoon of the baking powder, ½ teaspoon of baking soda, and ½ teaspoon of salt into a large mixing bowl, then whisked in 100 grams of both the brown and granulated sugar until it was well combined. He then added 80 ml of vegetable oil, 120 ml of buttermilk, the egg, and one teaspoon of the vanilla extract, mixing it together until it was just combined.

Donut poked his head into the kitchen, a bit curious as to what was going on. He was a bit surprised to see Simmons of all people baking something.

“Simmons? What are you doing?”

Simmons looked up from the mixing bowl and smiled softly. “Baking.”

“...Whatcha making?”

“I’m making cupcakes. No reason why.”

“OooOOOOOooh~ Can I help?”

“Uh, no thanks. I got this. Don’t tell Grif. Or Sarge.”

“You got it, buddy!~” He strolls off, whistling to himself. Simmons sighed softly in relief when Donut was far away enough. Now, back to baking.

He boils a half cup of water, then mixes in one teaspoon of his espresso powder. Once it’s dissolved, he adds it to the mixing bowl and mixes it all together. He licks the whisk because he can. Thin and delicious, just like him. He then pours the batter evenly into the 16 cupcake liners he has set up, pouring a bit of water into the rest to...He didn’t really know what it was for, but he knew it was important. His mom always told him to do this when baking cupcakes.

He then slides them in the oven, shutting the door and making sure it’s properly shut (after that time Sarge slipped into the oven door, you had to do that), and then set a timer for 20 minutes. He then dragged over the stand mixer, opening it before changing out the attachment for a paddle one. He then pulls out the stick of butter he put in a secret place, in case of the midnight need for buttered bread. He measures out 230 grams, then puts that in the stand mixer, beating it until it was smooth. He then takes out some powdered sugar, starting to mix it in one cup at a time. He did it three times in total, coming out to three cups, then got out the heavy cream. He put in three tablespoons, then put in one teaspoon of vanilla extract.

He leaves it to mix, going over to the snack cabinet and pulling out Grif’s Oreos. He just uses the whole package, because fuck measuring out three-fourths of a cup of fucking Oreos. This was revenge, anyways. Before he does that, though, he cuts four of the Oreos into fourths, for decoration. He then puts the rest of the Oreos in a plastic bag and beats the living shit out of them until properly crushed. He then dumps all of what was in the bag into the mixer, beating it together on low-medium speed.

The timer goes off, and he pulls the trays of cupcakes out. While he waits for them to cool, he gets out another stick of butter and some shortening. Why the fuck they had shortening, he didn’t want to know, but it was currently convenient. He beats together one-third cup of shortening and one-half cup of butter that he softened in the microwave. He then adds three tablespoons of confectioners sugar, whatever the fuck that is, then realizes he’s missing something. He sets the bowl aside, then gets out a saucepan and beats together a half cup of sugar, three tablespoons of flour, and a half cup of milk. He brings it to a boil, then stirs it for about two minutes. He then takes it off the heat and lets it cool before adding it to the prior fat and sugar mixture. Reminded him of Grif.

He then kneels down and opens a hidden cabinet to reveal his most prized possession; his baking supplies. Nobody could know that he owned this. He takes out the case and opens it, getting out a cupcake corer, some piping bags, and a 22 open star frosting tip. He then cores the cupcakes, filling most of them with the filling he just made. He leaves one, though.

He carefully picks up the unfilled cupcake, then sets it down and works on unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans. He then realizes that Donut left the door open, and quickly rushes over to close it. Once it’s closed, he sighs softly in relief and heads back over to the counter. He then takes his dick out, stroking it once or twice to get it up before taking a deep breath. He was about to fuck a cupcake. This was...Wild.

He checks to see if the hole is big enough, then bites his lip as he slides the cupcake onto his cock like he would a fleshlight. He sighs softly and shudders. It was still warm, freshly baked, and it was perfectly moist too. He did a really good job with these ones.

He then starts moving it up and down slowly, making sure to be careful as to not crush it in his grip. That would be setting off alarm bells if Grif saw that one was more deformed than the others. He groans softly and speeds up. This was actually really nice. He could see why Wash fucked pumpkins and stuff now.

Oh, Wash...He shudders and gasps softly as he thinks about what he would love Wash to say to him right now. He moves a bit faster and even bucks up into the cupcake. Damn, thinking about Wash was improving this dramatically.

He slides his other hand up his shirt to play with a nipple as he keeps going. It was getting harder to keep his moans in, but he was gonna do it. Didn’t need anyone else poking their heads in. He bites his lip harder and gasps sharply after one particularly rough twist. He was close. He tips his head back and groans Wash’s name under his breath when he finally climaxes. He pants softly, then carefully pulls the cupcake off so he doesn’t waste a drop. He then sets it back on the counter, checking to see how full it was.

He deemed it good enough. He puts the caps back on the cores of the cupcakes, then pipes on the Oreo frosting. He then sticks one Oreo wedge in each festoon of frosting, making sure they were perfectly symmetrical and even before plating them. He then puts his dick away and zips back up before opening the kitchen door. He picks up the plate, then heads out to find Grif, making sure to keep his eye on The Cupcake. Grif was in for a surprise.


End file.
